I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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