You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
