It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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