I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
