Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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