Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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