I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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