i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
