Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
