someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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