Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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