I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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