I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
