oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
