My first STD was from a foam party
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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