I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize