I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
