God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
