You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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