apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
