your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
