So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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