it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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