I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
