Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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