if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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