why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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