my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize