i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
