Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize