If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
