I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
