You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
