Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
