i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize