I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
