I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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