i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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