I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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