Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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