Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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