They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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