I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize