you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
