i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
