is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
