Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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