Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize