If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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