I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
