the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
