ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
