I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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