Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
