So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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