fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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