Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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