All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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