help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize