I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Non-Jews are for practice
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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