Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
