I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
People in love make me want to vomit
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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