I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
