Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
