um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
