I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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