He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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